Sleep Deperivation

Addie is up all night and I am feeling like a zombie.  I am hoping this is just a phase.  It doesn't help that she usually is awake by 7am.  I don't function these days until 10am.  I have been spending my zombie time spacing out to the show Weeds.  I am watching all the season on demand.  The thought of leaving the house is such a chore.  One day she will sleep several hours straight. . . someday.


Watched the documentary "BABIES" last night on demand and was a bit disappointed.  I don't quite know what I was hoping for but I felt like it missed the mark.  I really wish they had noted how many months old the babies were when it went along so I could compare developmental milestones but oh well.  


Now Baby Signing Time Volume 1 DVD is playing in the background and I swear the tunes are very catching. . .too catching.  I am singing along right now.  I can't stop.  I want to stop.


Oh I hope to get better sleep so very soon.

Really Distrubing

 I just read this article on yahoo: Iris Scanners


It scares the crap out of me and disturbs me.  I in no way want something like this.  It scares me to know end.  I really hate how he talks about how great for marketing this will be.  Like hell I want to be monitored just so some company can figure out how better to get money out of me.  I will go live in some remote town if need be.  Don't want it and would fight it if I needed to.

I said I would

I said I would make her her baby food.  Fresh food that we know what is in it.  I have been doing it for almost 2 months now.  It is freaking annoying.  I am almost ready to cave in and buy the already made food.  The last few times I make it, it comes out like soup!  She could drink the damn stuff.  So friggin frustrating.

Where I Confess

I am a horrible writer and I don't mean in the grammatical sense either.  Granted, I suck in that department too.  I have been exhausted of late because Addie is not sleeping well at night and she was doing so good for one week and then she got her shot and everything went back down hill.  Some nights she wakes twice, others it is three times.  I have tried CIO and had some success a few months ago but I believe she is really hungry and CIO is not going to stop her from being hungry.  She can't focus on eating during the day because there is too much else to do and see so I think she is making up for it at night.  I am only feeding solids twice a day and don't really want to introduce lunch until 8 months if possible but we will have to see.  She might just need it.  Maybe a snack and not lunch is what I will do.  I can tell you I am getting tired of making the food or shall I say the needing to think ahead to prep it.  Like I want to start her on pears, but I don't have any and need to go buy some and then make it into a puree and then test it on her in the morning and then and then and then.  Yeah, this is where my mind goes on this little sleep.  Last night was rough.  I wouldn't mind feeding her once a night so I will hope we get there again.  


Another confession:  Instead of posting I have been spending my spare time reading.  I didn't think I would enjoy it but I am and so it is very difficult for me to sit here typing when the book beckons me.


The Many Lives & Secret Sorrows of Josephine B.


I highly recommend.  It is written like a diary and so of course you want to read someone's diary.


Off to sing-a-long to Baby Signing Time Volume 1 DVD  I swear she is in love with it.  She can't help but go silent when she hears the music start.

Questions of the Day

Do people who use cloth diapers also have reusable toilet paper for themselves?


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Separate  comment: I was never good at keeping a diary as a kid.  I am starting to see a pattern with blogs too.  I don't know why I fall off the wagon when it comes to writing.  I get a burst and can write every day then sometimes I can go weeks without a word.

Vacation

I have been at my parent's house since Monday and really am enjoying my time.  Hubby is back home enjoying some alone time but is working during the day.  Having hard time concentrating on anything other than relaxing with my family.  I got a haircut that looks awesome or at least did when the stylist did it but I can't seem to get it to look as great as she did.  I think I need a new flat iron.  I also bought myself a new camera: Nikon Coolpix P100 Digital Camera (Matte Black), 10.3 Megapixel, 26x, 26-678mm Equivalent Nikkor Zoom, Up to 10fps @ Full Resolution, 3.0" LCD, Deluxe Carrying Case, 8 GB Memory Card, Card Reader, Lens Cleaning Kit, & Tripod


Only not that package.  I am trying to figure out how to take awesome photos with it but not sure I ever will be able to. 


This is what has been going on and I just can't think of writing anything in-depth.

Mommy Moments

Addie is rather mobile, alert, interactive, and curious.  She is almost 7 months and the world is her oyster!  Last week in Mom's group she followed her friend around.  He is 13 months and was more into doing his own thing but that did not bother her.  Once she caught him she scooted up behind him, grabbed his shirt and proceeded to lick his back.  He tastes good apparently.


This week she decided licking, while fun, is not the only physical thing she can do to another.  So she crawled up to him, sits up in front of him and reaches out.  As she reaches out my mind goes "oh no"  I know how she grabs at my face and it can frickin hurt.  By the time I process and start to react by grabbing her hand she has already secured his cheek in her fist and pulled.  All with a smile on her face.  


Tears came next as pain registered for the little guy and as the time went on the red marks began to show on his cheek.  Five little red marks.  


Was I embarrassed?  You bet.  Apologetic?  Of course.  I sat there realizing that this was embarrassing moment of motherhood #1 of 1,000,000.


Amazingly Addie and I have been invited to go play with the little guy today.   Brave, brave mom.


I will try and keep her claws retracted today.

Just as scary as labor. . .

Vaginal Pimples.  Such a nice phrase.  I almost want to type it out all pretty like and frame it for in the guest bathroom.  


At least with labor you can get drugs to stop the pain, but no good drugs for one of those suckers.  The only thing that works for them is time and a hot bath. Maybe some Ibuprofen. I think I have gotten 4-5 of these and they are not to be messed with!  Also, pretty much leave me a lone when I have one.  I guess it is a price one pays when they tend to "try" and be well groomed in the nether regions.


Now this wouldn't be so bad if I could just get the hot soaking bath it so desperately needs.  Only problem is our master bathroom does not have a bath (stupid builder) and the guest bath is connected to Addie's room in such a way that it would wake her up (again, stupid builder!).  So the only time I can take a bath is when Addie is napping, only I can't take a bath when she is napping because it would wake her.  So I have suffered the last 3 days without a bath.  Hot showers are nice but they don't work.  What does this all lead to?  


Builder FAIL!!


&


Owww.

Mommy Has A Camera - Run!

I have had this computer for over two years now and I am still finding things on it that surprise me. It is a macbook and I have been using iPhoto since the beginning but it wasn't until a couple months ago that I began to play with iMovie. I have been having lots of fun with that though I don't fully comphrehend the program and what I can do with it just yet. My latest find is iDVD. I was looking for a way in iMovie to make a DVD for hubby that had lots of video of Addie and maybe me that he could watch while I am out of town for a week. First off, I shoot the videos with my 2.5 year old digital camera so the quality isn't that great. However, I am just blown away that I can actually make a DVD with an intro screen, snap shots of video playing and submenus with chapters. I mean it is crazy. . and such a cool gift idea! I know what I will be making as a small gift for several family members for Christmas! Now all I need is to get myself this baby:  Flip MinoHD Camcorder 2nd Generation, 2 Hours (Brushed Metal).  I think with that I could take some awesome video.  Time to save up my money.

I think hubby is going to be very touched when he comes home to find the DVD waiting for him after I leave for my parents. I am looking forward to hearing his surprise.

Eating Like A Rabbit

Having Addie has changed my life completely in so many ways. I made the decision to breast-feed and have been so happy about this choice even with the dietary restrictions it has brought about. I would never have gone top 8 allergen free (plus gluten and corn) without her and I credit my weight-loss and overall healthy feeling to this. She has changed my life in such a positive way.

I told hubby last night that Since having her I have two new passions in life that I didn't know I would have, her and the food I eat. This leads to two completely different life paths I could take in regards to work, early childhood development or Nutritionist. I think nutritionist is something I would have a great deal more fun learning about in school. Sadly there isn't a school that offers that near me.

Yesterday we went shopping at the market and I was all excited about my new cookbook: The Whole Life Nutrition Cookbook and many of the recipes I wanted to try. Hubby is not quite the same with me when it comes to eating this way. I mean don't get me wrong he would like to eat healthy, but only on the cheap. So in the natural foods sections he started getting pissy as he looked at all the prices. I had him grab me some Kale and Collard greens and he started making comments about not wanting "to eat this shit". Yeah, that is what I get to live with. I love him so much but sometimes, I want to kick him in the balls. He loves salads and everything but because of the prices in that other section he was so pissy that he basically threw a fit stating he didn't want to eat this way.

Needless to say when we checked out the price was $30 cheaper than he thought it would be and he ate that "shit" for dinner and thought it was pretty good. With time I might make him a convert, but in the immediate future I will not be bringing him grocery shopping with me again.

"I'm A Father"

The first 3 months of new motherhood were insanely rough. Not getting sleep, not being able to get away and especially not feeling like I had a partner to help me through all of the newness. My husband froze after Addie was born. That first night freaked him out. I believe he even questioned if he should have had a kid. Then he shut down. I mean he helped change her diapers when asked and would do things if I needed but that was really it. He was not eager to hold her, talk with her or just really interact. It crushed me and caused a lot of problems for us. I mean it really sucked to be the only one holding her while she cried.

Things started getting better around 3 months but still they weren't wonderful. Then 5 months hit and things really started to change. Now at 6.5 months it is like night and day. This morning I listened on the monitor as he entered her room while she was still sleeping and did something that roused her for a second. I later found out he had rubbed her back and then kissed her cheek before heading out to work. Last night he made the random comment that he wants to take her with him when he goes places (work related and other). He has always loved her but each day that love is growing and he is showing it more and more. My heart is melting and a huge part of me is screaming for joy over the fact that it has changed. Once she became more lively and mobile and her personality has started to come out he completely melted.

It has been a long hard road to this point and I am so glad to finally have reached it. Whether or not we will have another child is up in the air. I am not sure I can wait 5 months to reach this point again with another child. To hear him say "I'm a father now, isn't that weird" is so nice though. I love them both to bits and can't wait to watch as their relationship continues to grow.

Auto Karma

Today while on my way to Target for some much needed retail therapy I watched as an older woman merged out into traffic and slowed to try and get into the far left lane. There was not a steady stream of cars coming when she moved out and though I did think it odd how slow she was moving I didn't think it warranted the horn blast she got for the lady coming up behind her. It then became clear that the reason she was moving so slow is that she wanted in the left lane so she could get into the left turn lane and she would not have the opportunity to do so again. I understood the dilemma, I have even had the same issue time and time again. If you don't get into the lane now, you won't have another chance and will have to drive past your turn and have to navigate back. Once she successfully got into the left lane (this just took a matter of seconds) the lady behind her quickly drove past and flipped her the finger.

Really!?!? Was that so called for? All I have to say is that older lady did not deserve that and hope that the other lady gets some karma back for that move.

6 Months. . .Wow. Actually over 6 months, almost 6.5 months to be exact. Every day she takes my breath away a little more, my little Addie. Addie Patty Pie to those in the know. She is such a happy child (except at 11pm 3am and 5am or somewhere there abouts) laughing, giggling and smiling so big at the world around her. I can't imagine life with out her.

It is tough for me to leave sometimes to go do things by myself. Not because I don't want some "me" time. I do, oh deary I do. I just have anxiety that something might happen to me or her and one of us will left without the other. It is horrible to think this I know but I can't help to worry. She lights up my life and I want her to know that. I want her to know how much I love her. I want to watch her grow up. I want to watch her learn and laugh. 6 months seems like so long especially as I waited to get out of the newborn stage (so not into the up every 2 hours thing) but it also is just not enough. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life watching her. All I want is to see her happy, for the rest of her life. A very tall order but one I will try so very hard to make happen.

Imagine

Imagine if you will how my night went last night. Dear husband out of town, just me, Addie and the cat.

Addie wakes at 1:30 for her nightly feeding (not bad went 7 hrs before needing food). I feed her, I leak all the way down my shirt out of my other boob. I do this because I took fenugreek to up my supply. Amazing the amount you can soak a shirt.

Off to bed I crawl after 2:00am when we finish, wet shirt and all.

Then sometime between 2:00am and 3:30am a loud shrieking sound jars me awake. In my daze I quickly adjust to baby monitor to lower its volume thinking in my half sleep world that the monitor is yelling at me because the signal got messed up (Like hitting the snooze button on an alarm, but I don't do alarm clocks anymore because I have Addie).

Then I soon wake to the sound of sir cat hucking up. The night before I got out of bed and attempted to catch him before he ruined the carpet, again. Last night, too tired. Screw it I say. I will clean it in the morning.

Then 3:30am rolls around and the shrieking happens again. I awake, fully this time. Oh, that would be the sound of a smoke alarm, telling me the battery is dying.. . . fuck.

I roll out of bed and attempt to find the offending smoke detector. Oh look, the cat threw up chunks in the hallway. Nice. Get towel and pick up. Smoke detector sounds again. Yay! It is the one in the hallway with the low ceiling. Maybe I can reach?

Haul in the step ladder, clock now says 3:37am. Please don't let this wake the child. Climb on step ladder. Crap, too short. Lets think about this, how do I get it to stop announcing it needs a new battery so I can sleep. Maybe if I can press the hush button? Look around, ohh spoon! Grab spoon and proceed to press the hush button. Stand there looking up and smoke detector, hush is only really going to work for if it was going off. Crosses fingers and puts everything up.

Off to bed I head. The smoke detector was nice to me the rest of the night. Otherwise I had my good friend Mister Broom at the ready to dismantle. Oh yes I would have.

Why?

Why can I not fall asleep early on the nights she decideds to sleep well?

Why does she always have to make a bee line for the cat's ass. . .his dirty dirty ass?

Why does the cat have to throw up more after we cleaned the carpets than before?

Why didn't I fine the degree completion program last year so I could be almost done with it rather than just now looking into it, especially when I don't know how much longer we will be here?

Why does the kid have to be such a poor traveler when I really want to do some traveling?

Why did my netflix movie not come yesterday as promised? Wolfman where are you?

Why do my Dad's new golf clubs that hubby purchased for him have to arrive today, after Dad goes golfing?

Why did my hair have to start falling out to the point that it always looks greasy and stringy now?

Why do good people always seem to get screwed over?

Just a few things I wonder about this morning.

I miss food.

Addie has a sensitive stomach. I think the Rotavirus vaccine caused greater sensitivity and so just cutting out dairy and soy is not good enough. I am free of the top eight allergens: Dairy, Soy,Egg, Wheat, Peanut, Tree Nuts, Fish, and Shellfish. I also stay away from gluten completely. Well, Addie started solids a couple weeks ago and her poop became mushy instead of runny and the green mucous poop went away so I thought, YAY! I figured eating healthy whole foods that avoid the top 8 and gluten would be okay. Except last Monday green poop returned after I ate large quantities of black olives and kidney beans. She also tried Sweet potatoes the day before and I accidently had something with soy in it. I have been on this strict diet for three or so months and it is a bit depressing at times. I mean olives, and kidney beans come on. It has been a week and she is still pooping green so I don't know what it might have been and why it isn't gone yet. I would love to live this healthy diet but without worry of what healthy veggies I eat. I can barely snack. This is getting old, and quick.

Higher Education

I started thinking today what I might want to do when it is time to return to work (4 years or so). Hubby and I had that talk. One of the women at my mom's group was talking about how she is thinking of doing her own kind of preschool with some other mom's rather than sending their kids to some place for $500 + a month. Then I found out a university near me has a degree completion course in Early Childhood Education that is completely online. I would only get jobs working as a preK teacher so money would be very little but a part of me thinks it would be good. I would hope that I would have short days and be able to spend my afternoons with my daughter and extra income is extra income. Granted how much money will it cost us for me to finish? Will I qualify for financial aid, scholarships, etc. There is so much to think about but a part of me is really excited at this idea. I am also unsure. I need to talk with a counselor and see. This or maybe psychology? Who knows.

Lonely

This past 4th of July was spent with my parents. They came up on Thursday the same day we came home and then left for home early Monday morning. Addie was completely happy the whole time, and why not there was always someone to play with. She even slept 9 hours straight one night and only woke because I woke her (hello painfully engorged boobies). It was a wonderful visit. My husband and father went out golfing on Friday, and shopping in a historical town on Saturday for all of us. Sunday my mother and I went out for just over 2 hours without Addie and shopped at Target. It was amazing. Then my husband and father went for a golf lesson. I did not watch any fireworks and didn't need to. The house was filled with talk and laughter. I never saw my husband mad, angry or depressed (except for Friday morning but the rest of the time he was always happy). It was just so wonderful. Now they are back home, and hubby is back at work.

I am lonely. I am depressed. This makes me feel so lost. What am I doing? What can I do? I want to create my own work at home business but haven't the clue what I would do. This was brought about by my husband and his talk about my return to work in a couple years. I feel like there is a count down clock over my head for my return to work. I don't know what I will do when I rejoin the working force. I have no degree and I really don't want to work in the medical field again. I don't want to deal with patients or customers. I rather work behind the scenes or if there was a job that was flexible and allowed me to spend time with Addie after school so I could take her to practices, or anything else. It sucks feeling so sad and depressed after the most amazing weekend. Addie even started propelling herself forward and rocking on her knees which means crawling is coming around the corner in maybe a few weeks.

Last night I did make a kick butt Quinoa and chicken dinner that I am calling Fiesta Chicken. I will need to post the the recipe the next time I make it. It is tough making yummy new gluten/diary/egg/soy etc. free meals. I am reminded of the need for this though because I accidentally had soy in a mixture on Sunday and for the past two days have been dealing with mucousy green poops from Addie. Granted I also started sweet potatoes on Sunday but I will retry those in a few days to see if they were the cause or if it was the soy.

My mind is so jumbled right now I can't really write a well thought out post so I think I will end things here.

Well, that was STUPID

First it really sucks to be without internet when you are addicted to it. We left town on Tuesday and did not get back until today and sadly my computer would not connect to the hotel's internet. My iPod was able to connect but quickly died as I told it to do more and more things.

First and for most traveling with a baby sucks. Addie has not figured how to sleep longer than 30 min at a time in the car. She freaks out the first day we are anywhere new and will not sleep in the pack n play until she because accustomed to it again. I think she thinks I am going to leave her since it is unfamiliar. So she usually will only sleep with me until she has spent a day anywhere and then she is cool with sleeping in her portable crib. Also, when your kid needs to cry for 10 minutes most of the time before falling asleep things can get pretty uncomfortable in the hotel room when you have neighbors. I don't want to bother them, especially at night so I usually ended up snuggling with her until I knew they were gone and then would put her down in the crib and soothe her while she cried. Granted I loved how the first night our neighbors had adult children (because lord knows you have to put all the kids in a hotel in rooms next to each other) that found it fun to run like a stampede in their room for most of the evening. Wanted to kick some major child butt that night. So lets just say she didn't sleep well at all which meant neither did I.

This morning after a night of fairly little sleep I woke and prepared for the day which included packing because we were leaving. I realized that I had forgotten to take my vitamins last night so I quickly gulped them down on an empty stomach. Not too long after my stomach started to inform me that this was a horrible mistake. I started to eat a banana and some cereal in hopes of making my stomach feel better but that was a lost cause. I laid on the bed holding my stomach feeling horribly sick and thinking how I don't want the rest of the day to be like this. So I decided I needed to throw up the vitamins. Yeah, here is where we meet stupid me. I hate throwing up. I have to be really sick to throw up. My stomach will hold out as long as it can even if it will make me feel better.

So there I squatted in the hotel bathroom. Hovering over the toilet holding my hair with one hand and my pinking finger in my mouth (not sure why I chose the shortest finger). I was able to gag myself pretty well at least 5 times before realizing I needed to touch the hangy ball thing-a-ma-jig there in the back. So I switched to my pointer finger and nudged away. My stomach seized and squeezed but I was only able to throw up a teenie tiny bit of food, not vitamin. I tried and tried but finally my body got use to me gagging myself and stopped reacting but not before having exercised my stomach. I soon realized that the vitamin pain was gone and instead replaced by a new pain of a stomach that had worked out way more than it would have liked. So basically I was miserable for the rest of the day and should have never tried to throw up and just lived with the vitamin pain.

I will never, ever, do that again.

Turf Wars

I have never been a very social person. I am very much an introvert. I hate being in new situations and not knowing anyone. However, I know that to make friends you have to put yourself out there. That is why when I had Addie I decided I would join a mom's group. A friend of mine that I had met after I moved to our new town was the one who invited me to the mom's group she runs at a local hospital. I made the decision that I would go when Addie was a month old because I felt a little less paranoid at the idea of taking my little newborn to a group with other babies that might be carrying some germs (side-note: I am a bit of a germaphobe with my child, I admit it). There was a nice group of ladies there that had been attending for the past 7 months, practically from birth. I was quiet and shy like I always am but each week I would return and chat a bit more as I became more comfortable. This is just how I work when getting to know people and I know I come off shy but it is better than just staying at home.

I eventually was making friendships and even was invited by one of the girls to go on a walk. It was after this walk that I began to notice another girl's (girl #2, cause I like how that sounds) behavior towards me more. I started getting the vibe that I had upset some balance because she was friends with girl #1 and what, now I am hanging out with her? I am very observant, almost obnoxiously so but it comes from years of silently sitting in the back watching how others acted and behaved around each other. So needless to say tiny gestures such as cutting me out of the circle we all sit in (laying down in front of me blocking me from everyone else and the conversation), and never really talking to me, addressing me, or saying hi to me, were red flags that I wasn't on her "friend" list. The biggest indicator came recently though but again, was no surprise to me. Three birthday parties within 2 weeks as they all are now turning 1. However, I was only invited to 2 of them. I expected this and am rather relieved because I don't want to attend a party out of obligation but rather because I get along with the people.

Now yesterday the woman who runs the mom's group was chatting with me about a birthday party today and was talking about the birthday party she had just attended for girl #2's son.

T: Now why weren't you at "#2's son's name" party?

Me: Well. .

T: You weren't invited?!?!!!

Me: No, but I can't say that I am surprised. I have picked up a vibe from "girl #2" that makes me feel like I am encrouching on her group.

T: Oh no, she must have just forgotten! I have gotten to know her a little better the past few weeks and her and her husband are just so laid back. That doesn't seem like her at all. I could see someone else in the group doing that. It must have been a mistake, i hope it was.

Me: Maybe, but I am okay with it. I just get a feeling and have for a while.

Now girl #2 ended up coming to the party I was invited to today. I know T might have been right and it could have been she just forgot but I had my doubts. One reason being I was unable to attend girl #1's daughter's birthday party last weekend so I brought the gift to group. They opened it up there and so birthday talk was abound. Also the week prior to that girl 1 & 2 were talking about making sure they had invited people to the party and girl #2 indicated that she wanted to invite T. So she knew who was going at that point, and I was in the room.

Finally what confirmed everything for me was like I said, she was at the party I went to today. If it was a real mistake then when she saw me there she would have said "I am so sorry, I forgot to invite you!" Especially as she and T. talked about her sons party. She didn't, and it confirms that I wasn't invited because I am not part of her group in her mind.

It makes me laugh inside to think I am back in highschool in some ways. These are the mommy turf wars though and honestly I don't get the problem. I am not stealing her friends away from her. In fact after that one walk I have yet to hang out with girl #1 again. I will be over at her house in a week and half but considering it has been 2 months, or more since we last hung out I think it is safe to say I am not taking anyones friends away.

I have no beef with this girl, and plan on inviting her to any gatherings I might arrange. This includes Addie's birthday. I can't help but still find it so odd. Is it sad to admit that I am glad my observations were correct though? I pride myself on being observant and knowing what vibe people give off without saying a word.

This makes me think about how women and men are different. Men are blunt and upfront about people and things they don't like. Women, we are manipulative. We are patient and we tend to be silent to our "enemies" as we attack behind there back. I just finished the book The Help and one detail of it is how if you cross the women you work for they will get back at you completely differently than their husbands. That they have tiny sharp knives and they will cut at you quietly without coming at you with bats.

All I can say is, yup. Women will get even almost worst than a man could even dream.

Knowledge For A New Generation

The other day after finishing my new entry blogger showed an ad to Blog2Print and I decided to check it out. Not that I have many entries in this blog to warrant making a print edition but I do have an old blog that I kept up until 2 days before I gave birth to Addie. That blog was nothing to brag about. My grammar is not great to begin with but I tended not to re-read my post very well. Also I was extremely vague, I mean I was talking at times as general as one could. Still, it has over 3 years of my life. I decided to set up an account with Blog2Print and see how much it would cost.

Wow. . . over $40. I had a lot of entries and did not realize it. I wanted one though and luckily they have the option to purchase a PDF version that you can then print yourself, which I did. Now I am not so narcissistic that I think people will want to read my horrible ramblings that have no real direction (A problem I hope to alleviate with this new blog of mine). Instead, it is for Addie. When she is older and wonders if I even get her, she will realize I do. That Mom talked sex, relationships, jobs and just plain got it. I also want her to get to know me better, understand a little bit more of who I am.

As I started re-reading my entries I realize I am going to need to make notes in the margins so that she will have a bit more information than I wanted the internet to have. Like where we were living, were I worked, etc. I also plan on doing the same with this blog in a few months and add it to the end of that one.

I am also considering writing a bio of my life up until the blog for her also. She is going to have access to knowing most everything about me. I want this gift for her. I have started to wonder how amazing it would be to have this same information from my mom. What a treasure it would be.

Hubby loves the idea, so much so he has started a writing for her as well. It is randomness about his life interjected with happenings of today. Just writing whatever pops into his head and addressing it to Addie. She is going to have an amazing insight into her parents lives and who we are. She also wont be the only child with this knowledge. Kids born after 2000 are part of a generation of blogging parents. Many parents even write letters to their children on the blogs so that their kids may one day look back and read them.

This was unheard of for previous generations, especially my parents. I wish I had the opportunity to read my parents thoughts at different points in their lives. What an amazing gift it would be.

I look forward to giving Addie this gift from her parents.

Productive Member

The past few days have been filled with an emotional roller coaster of sorts. Addie started solids, well Quinoa homemade cereal to be exact. Hopefully it will help her gain more weight as it sure is not helping her sleep better at night (one could have hoped). My friend came up for a visit and we spent time shopping and talking about all things that bother us. It was much needed.

It was also filled with anger and tears about work. My dear husband is in a job that while pays well, it does not leave you feeling like a great person at the end of the day. His boss is the cause of this as is a missed opportunity with the company. My husband tried his best (and his best is pretty freaking awesome) but his boss, who is disliked by all the managers in the department, has decided to hold him back from this opportunity. Even with multiple employee endorsements and another managers feelings that he should get this chance said boss has decided that he rather not.

I cried out of anger so much friday and days before because I know my husband deserved it. He has been patient and put in so much of his time (being salaried royally sucks sometimes) and to have this happen is such a slap in the face. I wish I could support us. I wish that he could quit and not deal with this constant self esteem sucking machine. I wish I was a more productive member of this family financially. I take care of Addie, the bills, and for the most part the house. I just wish I could take care of us financially too while I did all of that. I want him to feel empowered and be able to tell this guy thanks but no thanks and walk away. I want him to not take it as such a blow because even though it is he is worth so much more than what the company makes him think.

I wish I could fix things but instead I feel helpless.

Nostalgia

A couple nights ago I was going through all the instant Netflix we could watch and came across two movies that I loved as a child. Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken and A League of Their Own. I absolutely loved these movies when I was younger and it has been years, I mean years, since I saw them last. So Tuesday night I watched Wild Hearts, and Wednesday was A League. Wild Hearts was made in 1991, and A League in 1992. When I saw the years I was a bit shocked because well, that places me at age 8 & 9 when I saw them. I didn't think I was that young when I saw them and fell in love because I thought I was older, I felt older.

Now before I continue to explain what happened next in my mind let me first explain something about me. I love my birthdays. I do not dread them, I cherish them. I have never had a problem getting a year older. There has been no anxiety for me about the impending big 3 - 0. To me life is something that happens so why dread aging, you can't change it. Just enjoy the years that come is what I have always felt. So now then, back to these movies.

They are almost 20 years old. . . the one guy from Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken (and sixteen candles fame) was 31 when he made that movie. This cute attractive guy I am sure I crushed on way back then. . . is now over 50. This smacked me hard in the face because. . .um. . I am getting older too. Those movies did not feel that long ago but they were 20 years ago and in 20 years from now I will be 47. Movies I love now. Movies that I get my daughter into now, will in 20 years be much loved and thought of but I will be 50. I don't get why this has made me feel so weird. Like I stated I don't mind birthdays, I don't mind aging. Maybe it is the realization that I was a kid not too long ago, but that I am also getting further and further away from all those memories. I don't want to get away from those memories and feelings. I have such trouble remembering a lot from my childhood unless something triggers it. I loved my childhood though and my parents. I am just afraid to loose that. . . and my parents. We are all getting older and while i am okay with me getting older I don't want others to get older and i don't want to loose my childhood.

Nostalgia can be a bitch.

Smallest I've Been. . . Blahest I've Felt

So I now weight around 134lbs. Yay! I am happy to see that number before 6 months postpartum but at the same time it just doesn't feel like it should. Before I got pregnant I was about 140lbs. When I met the hubby (almost 4 years ago!) I was 130lbs. I felt good about my body, wore the cute jeans and undies and life was good. Then came the relationship and another 10lbs with it. Boo!

So after Addie's birth I really wanted to get back to prepreggo weight and then lose an additional 10lbs. I am almost there. My size 8 jeans fit, but because my ass has disappeared they fall down by afternoon. My size 6/7 jeans give me muffin top and camel toe but at least zip up. So I am in in between land (for some stupid reason typing that just made me think of the Phantom Tollbooth, no idea why and it has been over 13 years since I read it. . huh). This is the smallest I think I have been in 2 years. I should be totally stoked. . . but I am not. I have fat in new spots on my hips. . and I have good 5lbs of tummy to loose. I feel like my body is more blah than it was prepreggo even though I weighed more. Hubby won't stop complementing me and telling me how awesome I look (poor me) but I just don't see.

Always my own worst enemy I suppose.

I could stop typing there, which i probably should but I must continue onto a new topic. I watched Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (I have netflix and it was down low on my list but nothing else was available) and oh. . .wow. .

Cheesy! That sums the whole movie for me. I mean the plot made no real sense to me. All the women where tiny as toothpicks and looked the same to me. Also. . there was some holes that I didn't feel were explained well. Like how did they cover up the huge downtown fight at the end of the first movie? Good movie for numbing the mind if you can stop yourself from going "what?" the whole time. I could not. Luckily the hubby didn't tell me to shut up once, cause he totally felt the cheese factor.

I now hear they are making a third. . . oh boy.

So You Think You Can Run

Not! a couple weeks ago I purchased an iPod touch because 1) Addie has my iPod Nano in her room playing the ocean for whenever she sleeps and 2) because I wanted to be able to purchase Apps. Mainly I wanted to be able to purchase a C25K program so I could get off my ass and start getting into better shape and maybe perk my behind up a little bit.

Last week was my first time using the c25k program. . . it was sad. Oh so sad. This particular one I purchased takes 9 weeks and the whole idea is "couch" to 5k so I figured day one would be a little difficult but that it would still be possible for me to do. It starts with 5 minutes of warm up brisk walking and then alternates between 60sec of rungging/jogging and 90sec of walking with then a 5 minute cool down.

I was only able to complete the first 60sec of jogging and then anytime after that when it said to run I would last somewhere between 10-30sec with I think 40sec on the last one. It was so difficult for me. My feet felt awkward while I ran (most likely because I never run) and I was having difficulty breathing while jogging. So so sad.

I have decided to start with just walking 5 days a week for maybe two weeks. While walking I am doing burst of jogging to start getting my body use to it so that maybe, just maybe, I can do day 1 of my C25K without wanting to lay down on the pavement. Also water is a must so that I can rinse my mouth out (and keep hydrated)

At least dear hubby is into going for walks with me on the weekends so that will help keep me going on the weekends too.

I am determined to finish day 1. I will post when this happens. . . and it will someday.

I'm The Owner, You Just Rent Them

My breast. They are my breast though my husband thinks otherwise. As he keeps saying, "I bought those!" No I never had a boob job, he is just implying that Marrying me was like making a purchase. One with no warranty or returns buddy so suck it up! Needless to say that breast-feeding our daughter has made playing with the fun bags a bit difficult for my dear hubby, mainly because I swat his hands away.

I have informed him several times, they are on loan to Addie for the time being and while he was once renting them he will just have to wait his turn. I can't help it. To me they are not very sexual currently. They serve a purpose of bringing nourishment to our child. I know I wont always feel this way, that once she is done using them (or just not using them as much) I will want him to play with them again. Just not right now. He understands, but still tries to cop a feel.

This repurposing of my breasts does not mean the end of our sex life nor the end of our marriage. Hubby might not love it but he isn't selfish and he rather Addie drink from the boobies because of the health benefits and it is natural. We are still intimate I just ask that he not really touch that area.

So this article: Can Breast-Feeding Hurt Your Marriage? CAN BITE MY ASS.

Everyone Said To Do kegels. . .

I only half listened. I would do some, or what I thought were some. Even asked dear hubby if he could feel me grabbing during intimate moments. He could, and as such I felt that my kegel muscles were strong. I gave birth and realized I had been naive. 5 months out I am still pissing myself if I wait too long to go to the bathroom. Want to know what is really stupid, I even bought Ben Wah balls months ago to get things back in shape down there. I just have not used them. Well, that is a lie.

When I first received the wonderful package I opened it quickly and read the instructions (there wasn't much to read). I gave them a good washing and tried them out. Only at that time if I took one step from where I was standing out they would go. Apparently I was so out of shape I couldn't hold them in. I tried I think 2 more times that week and then quietly put them away. I figured I would use them in a week or two and maybe have better luck. Only I haven't. So I still piss myself. I think I need a diaper too, not just Addie.

I really should get the old balls out and give it another go. Who knows maybe I will be able to walk out of the bathroom with everything in place.