Turf Wars

I have never been a very social person. I am very much an introvert. I hate being in new situations and not knowing anyone. However, I know that to make friends you have to put yourself out there. That is why when I had Addie I decided I would join a mom's group. A friend of mine that I had met after I moved to our new town was the one who invited me to the mom's group she runs at a local hospital. I made the decision that I would go when Addie was a month old because I felt a little less paranoid at the idea of taking my little newborn to a group with other babies that might be carrying some germs (side-note: I am a bit of a germaphobe with my child, I admit it). There was a nice group of ladies there that had been attending for the past 7 months, practically from birth. I was quiet and shy like I always am but each week I would return and chat a bit more as I became more comfortable. This is just how I work when getting to know people and I know I come off shy but it is better than just staying at home.

I eventually was making friendships and even was invited by one of the girls to go on a walk. It was after this walk that I began to notice another girl's (girl #2, cause I like how that sounds) behavior towards me more. I started getting the vibe that I had upset some balance because she was friends with girl #1 and what, now I am hanging out with her? I am very observant, almost obnoxiously so but it comes from years of silently sitting in the back watching how others acted and behaved around each other. So needless to say tiny gestures such as cutting me out of the circle we all sit in (laying down in front of me blocking me from everyone else and the conversation), and never really talking to me, addressing me, or saying hi to me, were red flags that I wasn't on her "friend" list. The biggest indicator came recently though but again, was no surprise to me. Three birthday parties within 2 weeks as they all are now turning 1. However, I was only invited to 2 of them. I expected this and am rather relieved because I don't want to attend a party out of obligation but rather because I get along with the people.

Now yesterday the woman who runs the mom's group was chatting with me about a birthday party today and was talking about the birthday party she had just attended for girl #2's son.

T: Now why weren't you at "#2's son's name" party?

Me: Well. .

T: You weren't invited?!?!!!

Me: No, but I can't say that I am surprised. I have picked up a vibe from "girl #2" that makes me feel like I am encrouching on her group.

T: Oh no, she must have just forgotten! I have gotten to know her a little better the past few weeks and her and her husband are just so laid back. That doesn't seem like her at all. I could see someone else in the group doing that. It must have been a mistake, i hope it was.

Me: Maybe, but I am okay with it. I just get a feeling and have for a while.

Now girl #2 ended up coming to the party I was invited to today. I know T might have been right and it could have been she just forgot but I had my doubts. One reason being I was unable to attend girl #1's daughter's birthday party last weekend so I brought the gift to group. They opened it up there and so birthday talk was abound. Also the week prior to that girl 1 & 2 were talking about making sure they had invited people to the party and girl #2 indicated that she wanted to invite T. So she knew who was going at that point, and I was in the room.

Finally what confirmed everything for me was like I said, she was at the party I went to today. If it was a real mistake then when she saw me there she would have said "I am so sorry, I forgot to invite you!" Especially as she and T. talked about her sons party. She didn't, and it confirms that I wasn't invited because I am not part of her group in her mind.

It makes me laugh inside to think I am back in highschool in some ways. These are the mommy turf wars though and honestly I don't get the problem. I am not stealing her friends away from her. In fact after that one walk I have yet to hang out with girl #1 again. I will be over at her house in a week and half but considering it has been 2 months, or more since we last hung out I think it is safe to say I am not taking anyones friends away.

I have no beef with this girl, and plan on inviting her to any gatherings I might arrange. This includes Addie's birthday. I can't help but still find it so odd. Is it sad to admit that I am glad my observations were correct though? I pride myself on being observant and knowing what vibe people give off without saying a word.

This makes me think about how women and men are different. Men are blunt and upfront about people and things they don't like. Women, we are manipulative. We are patient and we tend to be silent to our "enemies" as we attack behind there back. I just finished the book The Help and one detail of it is how if you cross the women you work for they will get back at you completely differently than their husbands. That they have tiny sharp knives and they will cut at you quietly without coming at you with bats.

All I can say is, yup. Women will get even almost worst than a man could even dream.

Knowledge For A New Generation

The other day after finishing my new entry blogger showed an ad to Blog2Print and I decided to check it out. Not that I have many entries in this blog to warrant making a print edition but I do have an old blog that I kept up until 2 days before I gave birth to Addie. That blog was nothing to brag about. My grammar is not great to begin with but I tended not to re-read my post very well. Also I was extremely vague, I mean I was talking at times as general as one could. Still, it has over 3 years of my life. I decided to set up an account with Blog2Print and see how much it would cost.

Wow. . . over $40. I had a lot of entries and did not realize it. I wanted one though and luckily they have the option to purchase a PDF version that you can then print yourself, which I did. Now I am not so narcissistic that I think people will want to read my horrible ramblings that have no real direction (A problem I hope to alleviate with this new blog of mine). Instead, it is for Addie. When she is older and wonders if I even get her, she will realize I do. That Mom talked sex, relationships, jobs and just plain got it. I also want her to get to know me better, understand a little bit more of who I am.

As I started re-reading my entries I realize I am going to need to make notes in the margins so that she will have a bit more information than I wanted the internet to have. Like where we were living, were I worked, etc. I also plan on doing the same with this blog in a few months and add it to the end of that one.

I am also considering writing a bio of my life up until the blog for her also. She is going to have access to knowing most everything about me. I want this gift for her. I have started to wonder how amazing it would be to have this same information from my mom. What a treasure it would be.

Hubby loves the idea, so much so he has started a writing for her as well. It is randomness about his life interjected with happenings of today. Just writing whatever pops into his head and addressing it to Addie. She is going to have an amazing insight into her parents lives and who we are. She also wont be the only child with this knowledge. Kids born after 2000 are part of a generation of blogging parents. Many parents even write letters to their children on the blogs so that their kids may one day look back and read them.

This was unheard of for previous generations, especially my parents. I wish I had the opportunity to read my parents thoughts at different points in their lives. What an amazing gift it would be.

I look forward to giving Addie this gift from her parents.

Productive Member

The past few days have been filled with an emotional roller coaster of sorts. Addie started solids, well Quinoa homemade cereal to be exact. Hopefully it will help her gain more weight as it sure is not helping her sleep better at night (one could have hoped). My friend came up for a visit and we spent time shopping and talking about all things that bother us. It was much needed.

It was also filled with anger and tears about work. My dear husband is in a job that while pays well, it does not leave you feeling like a great person at the end of the day. His boss is the cause of this as is a missed opportunity with the company. My husband tried his best (and his best is pretty freaking awesome) but his boss, who is disliked by all the managers in the department, has decided to hold him back from this opportunity. Even with multiple employee endorsements and another managers feelings that he should get this chance said boss has decided that he rather not.

I cried out of anger so much friday and days before because I know my husband deserved it. He has been patient and put in so much of his time (being salaried royally sucks sometimes) and to have this happen is such a slap in the face. I wish I could support us. I wish that he could quit and not deal with this constant self esteem sucking machine. I wish I was a more productive member of this family financially. I take care of Addie, the bills, and for the most part the house. I just wish I could take care of us financially too while I did all of that. I want him to feel empowered and be able to tell this guy thanks but no thanks and walk away. I want him to not take it as such a blow because even though it is he is worth so much more than what the company makes him think.

I wish I could fix things but instead I feel helpless.

Nostalgia

A couple nights ago I was going through all the instant Netflix we could watch and came across two movies that I loved as a child. Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken and A League of Their Own. I absolutely loved these movies when I was younger and it has been years, I mean years, since I saw them last. So Tuesday night I watched Wild Hearts, and Wednesday was A League. Wild Hearts was made in 1991, and A League in 1992. When I saw the years I was a bit shocked because well, that places me at age 8 & 9 when I saw them. I didn't think I was that young when I saw them and fell in love because I thought I was older, I felt older.

Now before I continue to explain what happened next in my mind let me first explain something about me. I love my birthdays. I do not dread them, I cherish them. I have never had a problem getting a year older. There has been no anxiety for me about the impending big 3 - 0. To me life is something that happens so why dread aging, you can't change it. Just enjoy the years that come is what I have always felt. So now then, back to these movies.

They are almost 20 years old. . . the one guy from Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken (and sixteen candles fame) was 31 when he made that movie. This cute attractive guy I am sure I crushed on way back then. . . is now over 50. This smacked me hard in the face because. . .um. . I am getting older too. Those movies did not feel that long ago but they were 20 years ago and in 20 years from now I will be 47. Movies I love now. Movies that I get my daughter into now, will in 20 years be much loved and thought of but I will be 50. I don't get why this has made me feel so weird. Like I stated I don't mind birthdays, I don't mind aging. Maybe it is the realization that I was a kid not too long ago, but that I am also getting further and further away from all those memories. I don't want to get away from those memories and feelings. I have such trouble remembering a lot from my childhood unless something triggers it. I loved my childhood though and my parents. I am just afraid to loose that. . . and my parents. We are all getting older and while i am okay with me getting older I don't want others to get older and i don't want to loose my childhood.

Nostalgia can be a bitch.

Smallest I've Been. . . Blahest I've Felt

So I now weight around 134lbs. Yay! I am happy to see that number before 6 months postpartum but at the same time it just doesn't feel like it should. Before I got pregnant I was about 140lbs. When I met the hubby (almost 4 years ago!) I was 130lbs. I felt good about my body, wore the cute jeans and undies and life was good. Then came the relationship and another 10lbs with it. Boo!

So after Addie's birth I really wanted to get back to prepreggo weight and then lose an additional 10lbs. I am almost there. My size 8 jeans fit, but because my ass has disappeared they fall down by afternoon. My size 6/7 jeans give me muffin top and camel toe but at least zip up. So I am in in between land (for some stupid reason typing that just made me think of the Phantom Tollbooth, no idea why and it has been over 13 years since I read it. . huh). This is the smallest I think I have been in 2 years. I should be totally stoked. . . but I am not. I have fat in new spots on my hips. . and I have good 5lbs of tummy to loose. I feel like my body is more blah than it was prepreggo even though I weighed more. Hubby won't stop complementing me and telling me how awesome I look (poor me) but I just don't see.

Always my own worst enemy I suppose.

I could stop typing there, which i probably should but I must continue onto a new topic. I watched Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (I have netflix and it was down low on my list but nothing else was available) and oh. . .wow. .

Cheesy! That sums the whole movie for me. I mean the plot made no real sense to me. All the women where tiny as toothpicks and looked the same to me. Also. . there was some holes that I didn't feel were explained well. Like how did they cover up the huge downtown fight at the end of the first movie? Good movie for numbing the mind if you can stop yourself from going "what?" the whole time. I could not. Luckily the hubby didn't tell me to shut up once, cause he totally felt the cheese factor.

I now hear they are making a third. . . oh boy.

So You Think You Can Run

Not! a couple weeks ago I purchased an iPod touch because 1) Addie has my iPod Nano in her room playing the ocean for whenever she sleeps and 2) because I wanted to be able to purchase Apps. Mainly I wanted to be able to purchase a C25K program so I could get off my ass and start getting into better shape and maybe perk my behind up a little bit.

Last week was my first time using the c25k program. . . it was sad. Oh so sad. This particular one I purchased takes 9 weeks and the whole idea is "couch" to 5k so I figured day one would be a little difficult but that it would still be possible for me to do. It starts with 5 minutes of warm up brisk walking and then alternates between 60sec of rungging/jogging and 90sec of walking with then a 5 minute cool down.

I was only able to complete the first 60sec of jogging and then anytime after that when it said to run I would last somewhere between 10-30sec with I think 40sec on the last one. It was so difficult for me. My feet felt awkward while I ran (most likely because I never run) and I was having difficulty breathing while jogging. So so sad.

I have decided to start with just walking 5 days a week for maybe two weeks. While walking I am doing burst of jogging to start getting my body use to it so that maybe, just maybe, I can do day 1 of my C25K without wanting to lay down on the pavement. Also water is a must so that I can rinse my mouth out (and keep hydrated)

At least dear hubby is into going for walks with me on the weekends so that will help keep me going on the weekends too.

I am determined to finish day 1. I will post when this happens. . . and it will someday.

I'm The Owner, You Just Rent Them

My breast. They are my breast though my husband thinks otherwise. As he keeps saying, "I bought those!" No I never had a boob job, he is just implying that Marrying me was like making a purchase. One with no warranty or returns buddy so suck it up! Needless to say that breast-feeding our daughter has made playing with the fun bags a bit difficult for my dear hubby, mainly because I swat his hands away.

I have informed him several times, they are on loan to Addie for the time being and while he was once renting them he will just have to wait his turn. I can't help it. To me they are not very sexual currently. They serve a purpose of bringing nourishment to our child. I know I wont always feel this way, that once she is done using them (or just not using them as much) I will want him to play with them again. Just not right now. He understands, but still tries to cop a feel.

This repurposing of my breasts does not mean the end of our sex life nor the end of our marriage. Hubby might not love it but he isn't selfish and he rather Addie drink from the boobies because of the health benefits and it is natural. We are still intimate I just ask that he not really touch that area.

So this article: Can Breast-Feeding Hurt Your Marriage? CAN BITE MY ASS.

Everyone Said To Do kegels. . .

I only half listened. I would do some, or what I thought were some. Even asked dear hubby if he could feel me grabbing during intimate moments. He could, and as such I felt that my kegel muscles were strong. I gave birth and realized I had been naive. 5 months out I am still pissing myself if I wait too long to go to the bathroom. Want to know what is really stupid, I even bought Ben Wah balls months ago to get things back in shape down there. I just have not used them. Well, that is a lie.

When I first received the wonderful package I opened it quickly and read the instructions (there wasn't much to read). I gave them a good washing and tried them out. Only at that time if I took one step from where I was standing out they would go. Apparently I was so out of shape I couldn't hold them in. I tried I think 2 more times that week and then quietly put them away. I figured I would use them in a week or two and maybe have better luck. Only I haven't. So I still piss myself. I think I need a diaper too, not just Addie.

I really should get the old balls out and give it another go. Who knows maybe I will be able to walk out of the bathroom with everything in place.